We also do a lot as a family, as well as socialising with friends and enjoying a variety of hobbies, so being organised is vital and, like many working mothers, I keep a meticulous diary to make sure everyone is in the right place at the right time. I also have a diary in my head of my times with Michael, but I never put anything in writing.
No love missives — texts are about the families getting together — and any emails are work related because we work in the same field. Stephen was friends with Michael first, having met him at a school event when our youngest child was just starting.
I was quite shaken when I started to find Michael attractive. Stephen is quite a flirt himself and the odd little bit of jealousy never did me any harm, and tended to respark my interest in my husband. This was different. For the first time since we got married, I could imagine myself having an affair and at first it made me uncomfortable. I started plotting how we could do it and never get found out, and almost convinced myself that I was just being academic about it.
Then we all got quite drunk at a party and Michael and I really started flirting. I thought life would go back to normal the next day and it did in front of Stephen and Jane, but we had a completely different relationship when we were alone. If the relationship is characterised by many unresolved conflicts, hostility, and a lack of concern for one another, it may be best to end it.
Ultimately, relationships serve the function of meeting our attachment needs of love, comfort and security. But ending a relationship is never easy due to the attachment we develop with our romantic partner.
Not only do we grieve the loss of the relationship no matter how good or bad , but we grieve over whether we will find another who will fulfil our needs. The period of separation distress varies from person to person. If the couple decides to end the relationship and are still in therapy, the therapist can help them work through their decision in a way that minimises feelings of hurt.
The problem is that some people choose to seek their relationship needs in the arms of another rather than working on their existing relationship. Edition: Available editions United Kingdom. Become an author Sign up as a reader Sign in. There are many reasons people have affairs. Gery Karantzas , Deakin University. You have to be prepared for it to get out because most likely, as far as all my friends experiences, it will.
It might not be what you were expecting when you got married, but if being happy is the priority, why not go outside the norm rather than deceiving your partner? Relying on your feelings for clarity is like depending on sinking sand. Who else might support or wisely advice you? Consider talking over your concerns with your partner, you might even be surprised. If you're considering having an affair, counselling might help get your relationship back on track.
Visit the Counselling Directory for more information. How To. Celebrity News. Recognizing that infidelity is a symptom of deeper issues can lead a couple to fix the underlying problems in their relationship and grow closer. If you were the one cheated on, it's critical to realize that you're not responsible for your spouse making the decision to cheat. You are not to blame for his or her behavior. Women tend to find emotional affairs more threatening than sexual affairs, whereas men are more willing to forgive emotional affairs but for both, the most common response to learning of their partner's affair is jealousy.
Even if you were the one wronged, working with a professional may be helpful in coping and recovering yourself. Unresolved jealousy can lead to resentment, and as the old adage claims: "Resentment is like poison you drink yourself, and then wait for the other person to die.
Some couples can move past infidelity and move on to have even an even better relationship, whereas some cannot. Certainly, there are times when continuing the marriage wouldn't be recommended. Before you analyze the specifics of the affair from your spouse's perspective and look at why the affair occurred in terms of his or her needs, it's important to look at your own needs. This can be more challenging than it sounds, especially amidst the jealousy and anger.
If you were the one who had an affair, there are several steps you can take if you hope to save your marriage. Foremost you need to stop cheating and lying immediately and own your choice.
Being patient and giving your spouse space is essential. That doesn't say it will work out. It may not. But without accepting full responsibility not blaming or justifying your behavior the chances will be low. The chance that you can get past the affair depends on many factors, such as the reasons why it occurred and the characteristics of both people. To truly understand and move forward, both partners will need to listen to the other which can be extremely challenging in this setting , and not assume that their partner's motivation or feelings would be the same as their own.
For those who decide to try and overcome infidelity, it appears that the mutual capacity to forgive and a strong commitment to the relationship are key. There are many potential reasons for cheating, and marriage is complicated. But speaking directly, expressing your needs, practicing forgiveness, and making a commitment to work on your marriage daily, are the best insurance plans to protect your marriage. Learn the best ways to manage stress and negativity in your life.
J Comp Psychol. The Demographics of Infidelity in America. Erratum for PMID Therap Adv Gastroenterol. DOI: Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater? Serial Infidelity Across Subsequent Relationships. Arch Sex Behav. Khalili M, Wong RJ.
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